Poem by Susan Alvarez
copyright 2009

WINDOWS (NO TALKING)

Looking in and looking out
All I’ve done is scream and shout
Somebody help me, I can’t see
What is right in front of me

The broken glass has fallen inside
I can’t run and I can’t hide
I only run into myself
and so I’m jumping on God’s shelf

Where God can get a hold of me
To squeeze me tight and set me free
it’s only there that I can breathe
And look at what’s inside of me

God take the tweezers, remove the glass
I’m bloody and bleeding and I can’t last
Here alone without your grace
I’ll die for sure in a lonely place

Why did you let me out of jail
and give me a key on which to impale?
My fears, my doubts and all my lies
I’m all alone and NOW I cry

It hurts so bad inside my soul
Was I better alone and whole?
The pieces they fit and they are sure mine
God, give me some glue of your design

While pieces lie broken, I can’t repair
The things of which I am so unaware
So pick them up into the light
and clean me up and make me right

I want to just walk so deep in this life
with none of the tantrums and none of the strife
the silence seems deafening and I just can’t hear
So speak very loudly and speak very clear

Your words like milk, to this lonely calf
who’s been sent here to love and just laugh
My heart is not broken, it’s beating inside
why was I running and why did I hide?

I felt all alone and lost in deep time
I forgot for a moment where I am divine
with cracks in the glass of this windshield called life
it’s all an illusion, and sharp as a knife

I’ll put down the glass and I won’t impale
I’ll listen to him and I will exhale
breathe out the fear, the pain and the doubt
Breathe in the love so God screams and shouts

Clear off the rooftop, I’m tall, I can leap
God’s made me fearless and given me feet
His legs I can stand on to walk to the light
out of the darkness for His love is right

He lays me down slowly right by the path
returns me to you so I can just laugh
this life is a journey and it never ends
whether we’re lovers, family or friends

God He takes nothing to love me this way
He leads to water when I go astray
When I am just lonely alone in the dark
He lights up the candle, He sends me the spark

My soul is on fire and that’s real OK
It’s warming and lovely, God made me that way
Not scared of the embers that He leaves inside
I don’t like the ego and I hate the pride

I’m giving that up so I can just say
it’s not what I wanted, I just want to pray
to open this package and unwrap the gift
walk out of Your light as Your love I live

I know I’ll be scared, it should be that way
I’m walking the road, I won’t go astray
With You there to guide me I can’t loose a thing
I am Your puppet, just pull on the string

God thank you for courage to be by myself
I’m climbing back often to You and this shelf
I thought I was lonely up here all alone
But sometimes I need to just come back home

I hear the laugh, it’s calling me now
I’m full of your wonder and now I know how
to stop for a moment and just let You in
It’s You that is healing, it’s me who can win.

I asked Susan if I could post her email I just read. I am not of service to get, I give to give, but when I get something like this I am so moved.

You made my day Susan. I love you.

p.s. Now get back to writing:-)

From: susan alvarez [mailto:suzeque321@bresnan.net]

Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 12:11 AM

To: Linda Jeffers

Subject: One a day!

Hi Linda! I am so envious of my sis’ who get to be with you. I miss you lots

and in case I haven’t said it often enough…I love you! You give and have

given me so much more than I could have ever wished or dreamed of…you help

me keep my self from running naked down the street (with my hair on fire and

out of the “bin”). Everyday I watch and learn something new. You are my

treasure! I was born an only child so every once in a while I don’t want to

share you. Today’s topis at my meeting was selfish and self-centered. I

picked the topic. But I fell out of myself pretty quickly today. So here’s

your poem for the day.

Treasures

I am so glad to feel a part of your part

Don’t know where that is, but it’s a good place to start

Talking to you is like melting my soul

I can see all the lines and all of the holes

You fill up my heart and God takes me away

He then brings me back and I get to play

I’m happy and free and dressed up to dance

I willing to be and just take the chance

I’m brave and I’m strong and I know the way

I see little bread crumbs left every day

God leads me to water and I take a big drink

My mind wanders onward without me I think

I don’t pay attention to thoughts in my head

they tell me I’m worthless and I should be dead

I silence the demons and put them in place

They’re snarling and angry with shit on their face

It’s all an illusion a disease of the self

You’ve brought me the courage to climb down from the shelf

I wish to pay forward and give it away

My soul seeks the answers each moment each day

I have thoughts to offer of God and His plan plan

My mind wanders onward when I take a stand

I do love this journey where ever it leads

Love is the answer it fills all my needs

It takes but a moment to walk out of the self

It’s here in the moment that I wish to dwell

Where I am just happy to be so alive

There is a solution and how I do thrive

So I need to thank you for just being you

You’re calming and brilliant and I like the view

So here’s to the heartbeat that my soul does claim

One thing’s for sure, I am not the same!

Love,love, joy,joy. happy, happy, Linda, Linda, bye,bye. Talk manana!

She’s back!
Another poem.
By Susan Alvarez
copyright 2009

I give Susan a subject and she just delivers.

“What a difference a day makes.”

Days they come and days they go
some seem fast and some seem slow
I spend my time just being here
I don’t engage in thoughts unclear

There are those times when I can’t bear
my life unraveled and unaware
It’s then I reach inside myself
and take that girl down from the shelf

She’s kind and easy and looks just like me
I ask what she wants, she just wants to be free
To live her life without regrets
With lots of love and plenty of zest

Inside my soul resides my self
it’s time I took me off the shelf
I wish to listen to my stillness of heart
It is the only place that I can start

I have a wish to write and give
It’s time to smile, to wake and live
I no longer sit upon my hands
I’ve reached the mirror, I have a plan

To those I love who love me back
I say one thing hold on to your ass
This girls awake, this woman alive
One things for sure I can survive

What a difference a day makes..

And now here is my attempt at being creative – A section of bark on a eucalyptus tree by Linda. I’m trying to see triangles for my 4th online photo class.

Susan is picking out songs for Rick’s Memorial.

I found Susan’s latest poem in my in box this morning:

My Beloved
by Susan Alvarez
copyright 2009

He reached out to brush my tears
And held my hand to calm my fears
He pulled me close into his arms
His eyes told me this time he’s charmed
His smile was warming and brilliant and shined deep inside
No part of my being from him could I hide
He walked with me slowly to a meadow nearby
We laid in the tall grass, the birds heard our sighs
He opened my heart and I shone like the sun
Spirits united and God’s work was done.

Hope
By Susan Alvarez
copyright 2009

The morning awakens, the shadows give way
Each day a beginning, each day a new day
The sun rises slowly as birds sing and dance
Each day a beginning, each day a new chance
Eyes open slowly and brain does engage
Each day a beginning of new pain and rage
I look all around, hither and yon
Each day a beginning where life could go on
I’m waiting for something to comfort my soul
Today’s the beginning of getting me whole

I’m Dying
by Susan Alvarez
(copyright 2009)

I’m Dying

Moments of despair that crash like a wave
I can’t tell if I am sane or depraved
Thoughts of you run so deep through my mind
It feels so bad as if God were unkind

How could you leave me here all alone
You promised a life with God and a home
I can’t shake the feeling this is a mistake
Take me dear God just give me a break

The love that I feel it has no where to go
As if my world’s broken and the speed’s set to slow
I’m scared and I’m angry, I’m sad and depressed
I want to stay covered so deep in my bed

Please send me some strength so I can live on
I feel weak and so helpless I wish I were strong
This is a nightmare and I can’t wake up
It’s all an illusion, I guess that I’m stuck

The tears run so freely and stream down my face
I’m lonely and hungry for your sweet embrace
I can’t seem to find you as hard as I look
Where have you gone leaving me on this hook

Just break my heart open like an egg on the floor
Let the pain ooze out oh please let it pour
I think I am loosing my feelings, myself
My world was so full now I feel there’s no wealth

I asked Susan to write daily. She asked, “What would you like me to write on?”. I responded, “I can’t, we can.” The following day I received her poem in an email.

I Can’t, We Can
by Susan Alvarez
copyright 2009

I can’t stand the silence of my barely beating heart
We could talk about it and find a place to start
I can’t stand the anguish that flows inside my veins
We could stand together and find a way to change
I can’t stand the loneliness that’s here to grab my soul
We could grab each other’s hand, ask God to make us whole
I can’t stand the anger that’s torn into my life
We can walk together and get through any strife
I can’t stand the sadness it will take me away
We won’t let you wander, you cannot go astray
I can’t stand the emptiness it’s hollow like decay
We can fill that empty spot return the night to day
I can’t stand to tell you I’m dying deep inside
We can see the darkness just behind your eyes
I can’t stand to ask you, I need you oh so bad
We can help you through this pain, we’d be very glad

Susan’s life mate, Rick, died of a masssive coronary heart attack a couple of weeks ago. Rick was Susan’s love, her rock, her everything. Susan is lost.

Susan is a beautiful writer who doesn’t usually write much, until now. The poem you’ll read below, written by Susan in about 5 minutes the other day, is a sample of the gift of writing she has been given.

Photo taken: August 17, 2006

HOLD ME
by Susan Alvarez
(copyright 2009)

I wonder where the memories go
If they fade away
Deep within a subconscious tomb
Never to see the light of day?

Your face is growing hazy
My tears not brushed aside
I might be going crazy
Some part of me has died

I’ve never known this feeling
that burns inside my soul
I’ll never be the same
I wonder if I’m whole

I wake to find the morning
has come and leaves me here
In sorrow and in panic
It’s all so very clear

I try to plant my feet
so deep into Your ground
I know You have the answers
You know this pain I’ve found

God send me mighty angels
So I can rest my head
My heart so badly broken
Perhaps it’s me who’s dead

I know I must walk through this
and find the light again
I know your love is mighty
My God, my love, my friend

So keep me close beside you
and walk me through these doors
my empty heart is bleeding
and lying on the floor

I have no arms to hold it
or legs to walk myself
I’d rather be an object
and sit upon a shelf

But alas your love awaits me
and I will reach my soul
I’ll follow every bread crumb
you leave to make me whole

God thank you for your patience
for loving me in spite
of all the wayward journeys
I’ve followed in my life

Please wrap your arms around me
and keep me off that shelf
my world’s still full of wonder
about you if nothing else

?