In a world of so many great photographers and writers, I am venturing into some unknown territories, leaving comfort zones, finally very willing to practice the art of seeing. By maintaining the practice of posting daily photos, I hope to continue learning about the possibilities that I trust are out there for the taking.
Yesterday was the first Tuesday of the month, so five of us from the desert drove in to attend the Baby Meeting (not really babies, but a gathering of my sponsees). We meet other sponsees at my Grandsponsor’s apartment in Encino. Before the meeting we always meet at the California Chicken Cafe in Encino for dinner. Eight of us shared dinner before the 6:45pm meeting.
At the meeting Tina sets up the teleconference machine so the out of town ladies join in the meeting too. It’s a wonderful way for all of us to stay connected. Every year we read and each share for 3 minutes from a book we have chosen to read. We’ve been reading the book, Drop the Rock, Removing Character Defects by Bill P. Todd W. and Sara S.
On page 35, these two sentences stood out to me: “How do we define ourselves? That will say a lot about where we place pride in our lives.” During the sharing, one of the ladies shared something that also made me reflect….”Who I am is how I’m treating you.” I’m still thinking about these sentences.
In an email correspondence this morning I wrote the following to someone:
“I’ve never been happier. It seems I’ve been graced with the willingness to make time for myself, schedule backpack trips, lots of photography workshops and other learning opportunities with this new love of photography etc. I’m living my intentions, rather than talking about them or justifying why I can’t do this or that. You know, the old, “You just don’t understand. Blah, blah, blah”
I’ve always been good at living my life when I’m visible to you (all), but, when I am alone and no one sees me, I have trouble taking necessary actions with things I want to do, putting the actions off, believing my lies, excusing and justifying away galore…… like, “I’ll open up that box of scary photography lighting equipment tomorrow and practice working with lighting tomorrow”. (The box of lighting equipment Stacy loaned me is sitting in my living room, in the exact same spot for a month now. I walk by this huge box, trying to avoid really noticing it so I won’t feel guilty, avoiding opening it like whatever is inside will jump out and bite me). Fear.
Fear = “a lack of understanding”, says Willie B. When I don’t understand something, I get frustrated, mad, and walk away feeling incapable, frustrated and hopeless, making everyone in my path pay the price, which then leaves me feeling guilty, shameful and remorseful. I have avoided those feelings (that comes from not “understanding it”) my entire life. In avoiding those feelings I have made people pay for my bad feelings of self AND avoided so much of what I am now experiencing and enjoying since my new mantra is “Just do it” (even your head says you can’t). Who would have known, if I’d just endured those feelings, or been more patient with myself, or even, how about this,…… just asked for help!, how much more I would have experienced and enjoyed like I am now.
Big girl Linda finally knows that part of learning is going through the process of not knowing how to do something (duh)….and that if I don’t stay with those uncomfortable feelings, keep up with failed attempts to learn, I’ll continue believing I am stupid and can’t learn, and punish you with my feelings of inadequacy. (And waste my time and yours (if you’ll listen), explaining how I just don’t learn like others. Waaaa)”
So, I have now opened the box of lighting equipment and will continue trying to put it together, test out how it works, learn and gain a little more understanding so that that age old of fear (of looking stupid, feeling embarrassed, you laughing at me (even when you’re not around) won’t stop me from experiencing all the good feelings and pride I’m beginning to have.
I am excited about my days, my life lately. I believe I’ve just uncovered another roadblock to happy, joyous and free, at a deeper level. That’s what I love about finally feeling secure enough that I really no longer worry what others will think of me and just continue to do what I’m afraid to do. I learn a little at a time and end up getting happier and KINDER, to everyone around me and to Linda. It seems so simple, but I understand now that not understanding, is normal and appropriate before the understanding comes.
Patricia, Sandi, Linda (in reflection) Margaret, and Stacy in the San Fernando Valley, just before entering California Chicken Cafe.
